i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Randomize
