first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
