my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
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