Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You did what with his pubic hair?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
