ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I would ride that face into the sunset
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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