Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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