wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i just had sex bonerless
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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