The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
