I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
