I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
