dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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