I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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