I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Randomize
