He asked to "fluff my boner.."
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
