yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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