I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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