Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
