Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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