Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
