just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
