I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
