The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
