Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
