i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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