and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
