Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
