The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
