Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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