Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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