We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
