I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
