Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
