why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
do herpes really smell.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
