Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
