Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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