i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
