Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
