I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
