we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Hippo gnu deer
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
