The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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