I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
