Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
