O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
barbara walters just said penis...
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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