i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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