I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
