Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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