Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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