she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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