I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
