Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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